Saving for Future Unemployed You Part II: Revenge of the Broke

In my first article on retirement, I told you what you have always wanted to hear: Wall Street might actually suck. It was a victory for the neighborhood idiot, the village stoner, and of course, your unemployed broke self.

But now you need more to finally bring about the death throes of the bourgeois. You need a system that is smarter than stock picking (but also uses the stock market to your advantage), cheap enough that you could utilize it, and basically takes no effort since you are far too busy finding a job and/or sitting on your couch complaining about how writing cover letters is stupid. Also, it really has to make you a ton of cash, like, a big ton. 

Such a system does exist and I am now going to give it to you. The free trial to my twenty five step plan gets you the basic course materials. For just $19.99 a month, I will send you personalized lectures that works within your needs to become extremely rich.

How to Join the Mile High Club for a Penny

Two years ago, perhaps the greatest day in human history occurred. Few people are aware of the events of October 21st, 2014 but for those that are, it is a date that will never be forgotten.

On that cold blustery day in Minneapolis, Minnesota. I walked up to the Spirit Airlines kiosk at MSP and asked for a one way ticket to Baltimore. I emerged from the airport with a ticket in hand and a receipt that read "Base Fare: $0.01" The cleaning staff was immediately dispatched for a cleanup in Terminal 2 as my mind had blown with so much force that it had flown across the entirety of the building.

A shout out to the brave janitors from all over the United States who raced at full speed to assist the airport's staff. The sign says Freedom Run 5K because these brave employees had to travel over 5000 miles on foot to help out. Or it's a race or something, hard to remember with my mind being blown and all.

The Bourgeois is Keeping You Down: Saving for Future Unemployed You

If I do my job right, my blog is helping you live within your broke means right now. That's awesome! You're not starving and maybe even living well!

Nonetheless, there is a voice inside your head telling you something. In your 20's, it is a small occasional whisper that chimes in when you have spent the last dollar of your minimum wage paycheck for the week. As you begin to settle down, perhaps watch your first child run around your apartment, the voice grows louder and more persistent.

Ok, actually I am only 22 so I have no idea if that voice gets any louder but it totally makes sense so I am going to roll with it. The voice is of course asking you what you are going to do when you retire and/or stop working. If you are like most Americans, you are going to promptly ignore that irritating voice noise thing and keep right on spending.

I am going to guess this is not because you are lazy but you probably assume you are going to get an anxiety attack if you face this voice. Finances are excessively complicated and there are literally thousands of places where people will promise you a substantial return if you only gave them your hard earned cash. What's worse, most of those places will also tell you that the other places to put your money are scams and provide some fancy financial terminology to prove this point.

I had a Neurologist do a brain scan on myself while I tried to add an 18% tip to the bill at my local diner. This was I was given after the image was processed in the lab. I unfortunately can't ethically show you the image that resulted the last time I talked to a stock broker. 

Your Health Has a Price, It's One Dollar

I am often fascinated by the lack of dissemination of critical pieces of information. Why is it certain myths become common knowledge and incredibly relevant facts do not?

Such existential questions are beyond the scope of this blog but I would like to focus on one common misconception that has without question cost Americans billions of dollars over the years: the perceived benefit of name brand medications. 

For those who have recently taken a stroll in their local CVS, looking for a pill to provide some relief to an ailment this post is for you. You are most likely paying far far more than you should be for the right to use the wonders of modern medicine. 

To prove this, let us all mentally take a walk down the pain relief aisle in your local drugstore. Most consumers who embark on this journey will see a variety of ailments. Stopping at eye level, we will observe a pill box with a pretty blue, gridded background and a professionally designed logo: Advil. Closer to the floor, we will see a bland box with the word Ibuprofen. It claims to relieve the same ailments and is marked down to roughly half the price.

A lovely candid shot of Advil packaging. I have to say, even though significantly better than the generic bottles, I'm a little disappointed by Pfizer's work here. The only thing they have going for them is the pretty package, they probably should change the background to something less TRON-like.